A Heavy Head
I'm consumed by my thoughts. Everyday thinking about it all. My head is scattered and I feel stuck. Waking up, getting dressed, washing my face, leaving the house, going to school, at school, on breaks, walking home...before bed-all the time I'm running circles in my head. It's instinct. And it's all the same crap. It's exhausting, because it feels like I never come up with any solutions, not that I'm looking for them really...it's just that I remember, or go over situations on a constant bases. I'm so tired all of the time, because I keep myself so busy in my attempt to escape from myself. Honestly, I'm constantly doing something and talking to someone. As soon as I give myself a minute, I instantly make a list of things I should do...go to the gym, clean, practise for school, have a bath, read, call someone...I used to be able to sit still...but lately I just can't. It's like I'm constantly searching for that oportunity to re-define myself. I miss who I was before... way before. Actually no, I don't. I miss who I can become, or that hope of who I can become. I used to daydream all the time. That's gone now. So maybe, really, it's that I miss who I was when I used to think about who I could become. Oh god.
Maybe I've realized that I'm on my own.
No matter how many amazing relationships you have in your life, or how much you have acquired, you still have to go home to your thoughts/ to yourself...and you have to be okay with that person...
You know when you are walking down the street and you see those empty people...the ones whose gaze is so strong, but so dead-they look like they see nothing, but have felt so much...those people who look like they have thought themselves tired. I don't want to be one of those people. I'm tired of being tired, but at least now I'm walking with my eyes open...now the challenge is to lift my head.
I'm consumed by my thoughts. Everyday thinking about it all. My head is scattered and I feel stuck. Waking up, getting dressed, washing my face, leaving the house, going to school, at school, on breaks, walking home...before bed-all the time I'm running circles in my head. It's instinct. And it's all the same crap. It's exhausting, because it feels like I never come up with any solutions, not that I'm looking for them really...it's just that I remember, or go over situations on a constant bases. I'm so tired all of the time, because I keep myself so busy in my attempt to escape from myself. Honestly, I'm constantly doing something and talking to someone. As soon as I give myself a minute, I instantly make a list of things I should do...go to the gym, clean, practise for school, have a bath, read, call someone...I used to be able to sit still...but lately I just can't. It's like I'm constantly searching for that oportunity to re-define myself. I miss who I was before... way before. Actually no, I don't. I miss who I can become, or that hope of who I can become. I used to daydream all the time. That's gone now. So maybe, really, it's that I miss who I was when I used to think about who I could become. Oh god.
Maybe I've realized that I'm on my own.
No matter how many amazing relationships you have in your life, or how much you have acquired, you still have to go home to your thoughts/ to yourself...and you have to be okay with that person...
You know when you are walking down the street and you see those empty people...the ones whose gaze is so strong, but so dead-they look like they see nothing, but have felt so much...those people who look like they have thought themselves tired. I don't want to be one of those people. I'm tired of being tired, but at least now I'm walking with my eyes open...now the challenge is to lift my head.
posted by Jenna <3 at 9:05 AM
2 Comments:
"I miss who I was when I used to think about who I could become."
Maybe that just comes with being older. Now that we kind of are who we're going to be forever, there's nothing to look forward to. We already have a career path and we've become slightly more jaded with our broken hearts and shattered dreams about our Prince. Back in the day, you had an infinite number of choices, you had the excitement about the future and all it's possiblities but the future is right now. This is it. Maybe we've just realized that all that dreaming can't change who we already are.
By the way, I miss you.
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