So I'm going to let you leave now. I'm going to leave you. I'm going to sit up straight and say "I am over you." I am going to look at you in my minds eye and say "You have hurt me more than I can possibly understand, more than you can possibly pretend you didn't. How could you demolish me?" I'm so tired of crying and holding on to you. I see you everyday, in every room, every time I eat a fucking tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat with a side of fucking pickles. I want to talk to you every time I'm losing it and lately that's all the time. And then I destroy my small world even more. And there she is, a perfect ass, just for you. I thought that was valuable, or at least I came to think that. And I'm so hungry and I'm so exhausted and I want to be skinny damn it and I can't. I've earned to be skinnier than all of those stupid whores. Leave me please. Leave me now, because I think I can pretend you hate me now. I think I can convince myself that I was worthless to you. If you say you love me one more time I will tell you " " nothing. I have nothing left. You have robbed me from any self-worth I once posessed and you forgot to call me two nights ago and I still remember that you forgot to call me two nights ago. So please don't call; let me be a body to you so that I can throw my body away when I throw you away and then maybe, just maybe I can be left with something new to focus on. I hate you...I HATE you so much. and i'm crying and you don't deserve it, you don't deserve to have me love you this much...i keep saying you don't deserve it. I know what you're doing...you're making them hate you because you don't really want them. and you don't really want me. and I don't really want you, I just think I do. I think i do everyday, all day, but apparently I don't, because how can I want you now? You've given me no choice and it's worked out well for you. And you know what? I never yelled at you-and the other day in acting they tried to make me get angry and I couldn't-all I could do was eventually cry. You've taught me to cry...and I'm so tired because I'm carrying around all this fucking weight and I can't put it down. I can't put it down. I can't.
I looked at myself the other day...."how are you" and I thought "i'm fine". and I kept asking myself and my answer kept changing and then I just cried. I cried. And I'll probably run myself dry one day and then I'll have nothing left but anger and then maybe I'll start to deal with what we did to eachother.
what we did to eachother.
what we did to eachother.
I'll write more when I can think again. I hope you don't call me tonight. I hope you are safe. I hope I can do this.