You called me last night. Twice. And I didn't call you back. Maybe that makes up for the past two nights I spent thinking about why you didn't call me back when you said you would last time. How was she? How are all of them? And the thing is, is that I didn't not call you to get even with you. I did it to get even with myself. I did it to try to convince my heart to be on the same page as my brain. You see, I know what I need to do now. Did you know that? Did you know that I sometimes I can imagine something new and it doesn't scare the shit out of me anymore? It used to and sometimes it still does...but the possibility of more, or different, or anything is starting to lift me up again. And today I didn't think I was fat, even though I am as big as I thought I looked yesterday, and that's kind of nice. And I might even say I felt pretty today. I felt pretty without calling you. I slept last night- this morning I gave myself an extra hour after my alarm went off and it went by like five minutes, and then I listened to music that made me think of me instead of you and me. These are small changes and I might go back to old ways again... I might lose my strength, and weight, but I didn't call you back last night so maybe that means I'll be able to convince myself not call you back tonight either... It makes me kind of sad and I want to explain to you, so that I don't hurt you...so that you can understand...but if I call you to tell you that I'm trying not calling you anymore, I'll still be calling you...and then I'll say everything I'm trying not to say; all the things you already know-my feelings for you, my hopes that should be lost by now. I'd say "I want to erase everything you did to me, so I can go back. So that I have permission to go back." and then in the back of my mind I'll think "why, why, why? What is it that I need? What is it that makes me call you when I do and think about you non-stop throughout the day?"-because when I say I'm not thinking about you anymore, I'm still thinking about you in my attempt to not think about you. Validate me so I don't have to. I don't know how anymore. Where did I go? What happened to that girl I was? The only part of her I know anymore is her persistance to keep you around, to keep some kind of connection with you. And I'm so tired and I don't know how. You've stripped me of my options and now it should be about me...I'm lying there exposed and vunerable. One false move and I could be taken advantage of yet again. I could set myself up for disaster so easily and I want to so badly. I want to fall apart. I want to break down. I want everything to fall to pieces so that I can have the strength to throw it all away. Make my body mine again. God I'm so sad. I just want to find peace again. I want to be free. Let me go, but don't forget about me-I deserve more than that.