Your Shoulders
My parents...mom and dad. I love them... I love you.
You pick up my broken pieces and hold them in front of me in your hands...I sit quietly and without words you let me know that no matter how broken I may feel, you will hold me up and you do. I can see fragments of myself more clearly through your loving perspective and know that you will help me put myself back together... that everything is okay; that crying is okay. And I'm crying now... not because I feel sad, but because I feel lucky. And you say that you're on my shoulder...but really I feel like on I'm your shoulders-my angels who carry me on thier backs so that my mind can rest for a while... you "escape me from my troubles". You are my strength and my peace and I am so grateful. I love you very much.

Looking Back at Him
Maybe we need distractions from ourselves...maybe that's why we obsess so much about other people...mainly that guy, or the guy we want to come along. I only cling onto the guys who are bad for me...maybe I'm not ready for one who will stay around, because then I would be defined and settled. I don't want to settle, or be settled, but I do need something to keep me going until I've done what I need to do. I wan't to give a shit about something, until I feel like I'm something on my own, so I distract myself with these abusive guys. Or maybe I'm just obsessing because It's easier to understand when someone else hurts you than it is to understand when you hurt yourself. Those guys are people and it's as simple and as complicated as that. They keep us busy and challenge our defenses. Maybe we like them around because they relate to us in a sad kind of way...they relate to us in the fact that they don't look for the good in us. I have so much good in myself that I don't acknowledge and I'm sure that's the same for everyone...maybe it's time to deal with the pain we have in ourselves so that we don't need these people anymore...so that we can feel something real and not have to pretend. I don't know...ugh...these thoughts are so changable.

A Heavy Head
I'm consumed by my thoughts. Everyday thinking about it all. My head is scattered and I feel stuck. Waking up, getting dressed, washing my face, leaving the house, going to school, at school, on breaks, walking home...before bed-all the time I'm running circles in my head. It's instinct. And it's all the same crap. It's exhausting, because it feels like I never come up with any solutions, not that I'm looking for them really...it's just that I remember, or go over situations on a constant bases. I'm so tired all of the time, because I keep myself so busy in my attempt to escape from myself. Honestly, I'm constantly doing something and talking to someone. As soon as I give myself a minute, I instantly make a list of things I should do...go to the gym, clean, practise for school, have a bath, read, call someone...I used to be able to sit still...but lately I just can't. It's like I'm constantly searching for that oportunity to re-define myself. I miss who I was before... way before. Actually no, I don't. I miss who I can become, or that hope of who I can become. I used to daydream all the time. That's gone now. So maybe, really, it's that I miss who I was when I used to think about who I could become. Oh god.

Maybe I've realized that I'm on my own.

No matter how many amazing relationships you have in your life, or how much you have acquired, you still have to go home to your thoughts/ to yourself...and you have to be okay with that person...

You know when you are walking down the street and you see those empty people...the ones whose gaze is so strong, but so dead-they look like they see nothing, but have felt so much...those people who look like they have thought themselves tired. I don't want to be one of those people. I'm tired of being tired, but at least now I'm walking with my eyes open...now the challenge is to lift my head.

And They Will
I'm terrified of what will happen...I have a feeling of being constantly light headed, and my eyes are swollen. How can I help this? I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't let anyone hear me when I do. My words need to be secrets for a while...I'll throw the breakables in my silent attempt and watch millions of pieces shatter on the floor-and I'll stare at these fragments in wonder for a while, having less energy now to clean up my mess. My body is grounded-my sholders sink into my back. Breathing feels almost unecessary when you're tired and my eyes focus on nothing and everything all at once. They're burning from all the tears, but at least they're open.
Time heals all wounds, so maybe we shouldn't put so much pressure on ourselves to put the pieces back together on our own...loved-ones provide the patience that gives you the courage to wait for things to get better-and they will.

Here I Come and There I Go
It's time to get rid of the unnecessary negatives I have surrounding me...those people who either intentionally or unintentionally bring me down. We all have them, but why is it that we keep them around for so long? Is it the challenge...maybe when we're around them we are forced to think about our defenses. My defenses are up and have been for a while now. I'm starting to like them...because defending yourself demands self-respect. I used to let people "walk all over me". I'd avoid conflict to any degree. Now I thrive on it- it's validating. It's not a loud kind of defense, but the tune in my head changes now when people disappoint me and it's impowering. It's funny too, because it's like I go into auto pilot, but as this person who has it figured out...a person I'm not terribly familiar with yet, but I like her and I want her around...I don't think- I just walk away.
So here's to walking away and not needing them...
I like it when you make me angry. I like it when you hurt me. I like it when you lie to me. I like it when I catch you. I like it when you let me down. I like it when you manipulate me. I like it when you use me. I like it when you put me down. I like it when you forget. I like falling asleep last. I like it when your eyes say something different then your mouth. I like hearing it from other people. I like being exhausted. I hate giving up.
I like you, but I love me. I like fighting, but I love walking away.
So here's to walking away... not needing them, but needing myself.
Here I come and there I go.

Push Me So I Have No Choice
I love the person I become when I look at them. I'm filled with rage. My pulse doubles, but my breathing stops. I want to be pushed against the wall, but I will walk away. I will show them that I can walk away; that I want to walk away. I'll walk with power in my mind-I don't need anyone and you'll see. My soundtrack will play out in my head and give me overwhelming self-gratitude-I love me when I hate you...and I hate you. Grab me by the arms so I can yell at you and tell you to let go. I want to hurt you. Stare at me and I'll knock you down and I will win. I'll stare at you until my eyes lose colour. And I'm pushing you and I'm bringing you in. I'm taking your energy and twisting it with my mind. We are in the space in between and I hate you. So press your forehead against mine and I'll press back. Unclench my jaw with your mouth and I won't stop you, but my arms are stiff and I wrench my hands until my knuckles are white. Put energy on the small of my back and kiss the top of my spine. I hate you. Your hair will rip out and you will be shaking when I walk away and I will walk away. I'll push you with my eyes; I'll knock you down, I'll kick you down. Shake my nerves and push me. Push me so I have no choice. I hate you. I hate you and I will walk away. I'll walk away and you won't give a shit.
(R.)

Take Me Back
Lately I've been so scattered. Home is a strange concept to me now. I come here, to the place I grew up, and I try to keep myself busy. It's almost like I avoid myself and it's so awkward because I've been defined by this place for almost my entire life; so avoiding myself is nearly impossible. I'm struggling to make words of it, but what I can say is that I went to my "place" my "peace" this weekend. "The Cabin"...the wonderful sanctuary where I feel like I can breath again. I'm different when I'm there. It's my addiction. I'm obsessed. I don't know what it is. We go out and I can walk there with my head up...not because I'm necessarily proud, but because I feel like this stronger person somehow. Who is that when I'm there? I want to adopt that girl and bring her with me everywhere. Maybe home isn't a place, but a feeling...

I've surprised myself...I am a computer genious! Need I say more?

Okay, here it is...my attempt at blogging. My first entry is with the intention of figuring out how this whole thing works. I'm completely technologically challenged so this could be a hopeless goat...goal...ugh.